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How to fix the internet, with words!

Okay, internet, we’ve got a problem. I thought it was just a small issue: some typos on some websites. No big deal.

Mexico is supposed to speak English?

Mexico is supposed to speak English?

But it’s gotten into my head. I’ve seen the word “lose” misspelled as “loose” so many times that I now just reflexively correct it.

This is all well and good, you might think. Not so! Unfortunately, the word “loose” itself still has meaning, but I’ve become so used to seeing it mangled that I automatically read it as “lose.” This creates problems when someone is complaining about their pants being loose. Instead of understanding that they are wearing some ill-fitting pants, I spend precious fractions of a second wondering where they lost their pants. A more entertaining thought, for sure, but still wrong!

Having recognized this scourge of crappy internet language use, I will now present my solution. We need new words! People are going to screw up simple words no matter what, and sometimes they’ll take out innocent bystander-words in the process (as “loose” having lost all meaning to me demonstrates). Instead, let’s give them some new words that they really can’t screw up, because I just invented them!

I have three general ideas, but we’ll start with the example I’ve given above:

Problem: “lose” becomes “loose”

Solution: “Lose” is, admittedly, a pretty stupid word. It doesn’t look like it should be pronounced the way(s) it is. It should be more like “hose,” really. It deserves another “o” in there, which is probably why it becomes “loose” so often. But “loose” is okay as it is. It’s like “moose” and “goose” and “mongoose,” all perfectly lovely words.

What we need here is another word, so that people can express that they lost something without accidentally suggesting that something is poorly fastened. I have the perfect word. It’s got the two “o”‘s beloved by misspellers, and goes well with Cheez Whiz (beloved by illiterates the world over!). The word is…


Now, that’s a word that’s impossible to screw up! It’s phonetically¬† pretty straightforward, despite that trailing “e” (which is really just for ease of transition for loose-lovers). As far as conjugation goes, it’s simple enough that I don’t think I need to really explain it. I looze, you looze, they looze, et cetera. And if you are big into loozing, you’re a loozer.

One controversial aspect may be that “lost” will probably need to be replaced with “loozed,” for the sake of consistency. Chances are this could happen in a few hundred years anyway. So let’s just change it now, and save ourselves the headache later.

Problem: “Your” and “you’re” and “there” and “their” and “they’re”

Solution: The internet is full of homophonophobes, who, overwhelmed by having two or more options to spell out the same sound, just say “aw, fuckit” and choose one at random. Are they uneducated and unable to pick the correct word? Are they “hooked on phonics” the way other people are hooked on heroin? What’s their deal?

I don’t know, or care. All I know is that I’ve got the words to solve their problems!

I recommend “yoy” as a replacement for “your.” It’s shorter, snappier, and has that “zazz” that all the Hollywood bigshots enjoy so much. It’s the complement to “my”. I have my stuff, you have yoy stuff. Simple. Also, it sounds very positive (like “yay!” or “joy”), which is always good for marketing. Having replaced “your” with “yoy” we find our homophone-driven confusion will dissipate, and people will no doubt start spelling and using “you’re” correctly.

The “there,” “their,” “they’re” triangle is a little trickier to navigate, since now we’re dealing with three homophones. Once again, I propose outright elimination of the non-apostrophized options. We’ve already got a perfectly good word to replace “there” with: it’s “yonder“. So just use that. As for “their,” we may need to get a little more creative. “Their” is really just the plural form of “his” or “hers” or “its” (don’t even get me started on this one), so let’s stay consistent! It should really be “theys.” And yonder you have it. The problem is solved. Now “they’re” can take over as the only spelling of that particular sound, and homophonic interlopers are no longer a worry. Problem solved, internet.

Problem: spelling “you” as “u,” “be” as “b,” and “to,” “two,” and “too” as “2”

Solution: This is just unacceptable idiot shorthand. Maybe it’s okay if you’re currently on the run from the law and sirens are blaring right behind you and you really need to text “will not b home 2nite” to your spouse/kids/dog, but otherwise it’s just not ok. Don’t do it, don’t encourage it, and ruthlessly mock the dullards who actually think this is a legitimate way to communicate. They should be shunned even from impolite society.

Also, people who use “lol” as a comma, period, or any other punctuation mark should be tossed into live volcanoes.

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